Guilt: Is What I'm Feeling True or False?

Hester Pynne’s plea. By Joseph Baker (Wikimedia Commons)

Is this true guilt or false guilt?

That’s been a tormenting question my entire life.

I was among well-meaning folks who used shame and guilt to control children.

I continually felt guilty about one thing or another.

The most freeing aspect of giving my heart to Jesus was knowing that finally, I had something constructive to do with my guilt.

For me, a way to get rid of guilty feelings was enormous.

Liberating.

Freeing.

Joyous.

It didn’t mean I wasn’t guilty of sin or making a mistake. It meant that Jesus was my advocate with God who would speak on my behalf and through whose death on the cross I was/am/and always will be forgiven.

Note: forgiveness from God does not mean I don’t sin.

It does not mean I don’t have to apologize for mistakes, sins, poor choices, bad behavior, or other errors.

It also does not mean I no longer feel guilt.

Instead, I have a tool to analyze guilt into two categories: true or false.

That, for me, is the key to freedom.

What is guilt?

The dictionary defines it well:

1.the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:

2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong ,etc., whether real or imagined.

3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.

The Bible tells us all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, so we all experience guilt in one form or another.

(Indeed, to not feel guilt or remorse over a bad behavior is another problem!)

Take a look, however, at that second definition at the end:

“Whether real or imagined.”

That’s false guilt –assuming responsibility for something you did not do.

What does false guilt feel like?

For me, it’s a feeling of shame, lethargy, fear; my stomach tightens, and I want to hide.

I’m afraid to face whoever I’ve offended. Panic to “make things right” overwhelms me.

I hate feeling guilty. I’ll do anything to make that gut-wrenching feeling go away, including apologies for things I did not do.

The problem is, I’m so conditioned to assuming responsibility that guilt feelings, now, require analysis.

Instead, I can ask these questions:

Who is responsible for this action/outcome/behavior?
Have I intentionally done anything to bring this feeling on myself?
Am I in the wrong here?
Have I done anything that requires an apology?
Where is the guilt coming from?
Does anyone I trust think I’m guilty?

Christians know Satan is an accuser and a liar, and he likes nothing better than to twist believers into knots of false guilt.

Knowing that fact, it’s important I don’t fall into the trap.

Even if I confess or apologize, false guilt doesn’t let me feel any better.

No burden is lifted. I’m still tied up.

That’s because no burden needed to be lifted. There wasn’t anything there. I was focused on the wrong thing when I wasn’t guilty.

Because I don’t feel better, I assume I haven’t confessed something.

That often sends me off on a rabbit trail hunting for something, anything, I can confess and have the feeling lifted.

Shame often will set in, along with nervousness and that hunted feeling.

False guilt steals my joy and my peace. It can lead to damaging my relationships–because it’s based on a lie.

Truth is a gift.

When I have done someone wrong or sinned against God, I feel guilty again.

You know, that shoulder hunching, not looking at others, unsettled feeling.

I’m aghast I did something offensive and want to apologize immediately to make my pain go away.

And when I do, God who is faithful will forgive me my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Author Paul Coughlin writes about the elements of a real apology and how recognizing them helps.

There are four parts to a real apology that recognizes guilt

1. Acknowledging the offence

2. Offering an explanation

3. Expressing remorse

4. Offering reparation.

When apologies fail, at least one of these parts is missing. The most common failing is not acknowledging the offense.”

True guilt leads to confession, forgiveness, and restoration of relationships.

With that restoration, we’re free.

Tweetables

Dealing with true and false guilt. Click to Tweet

How to tell the difference between true and false guilt. Click to Tweet

Analyzing the difference between true and false guilt. Click to Tweet

Guilt: Is What I’m Feeling True or False?