Are you easily offended and nurse the angry emotions as a result?
Why?
Not, “do you get offended,” but how do you react at the slightest suggestion of conflict?
“Wow,” a friend said after someone spoke dismissively to me. “I can’t believe you just took that.”
Oh, I heard the “polite” slap; I just didn’t see any point in getting worked up about it.
It wouldn’t change her mind and would only cause me spiritual grief.
In the grand scheme of life, it was easiest to just let the comment go.
What does it mean to offend?
The dictionary is clear. To offend means, “cause to feel upset, annoyed, or resentful.”
It’s the resentful part of the verse that’s a problem for me.
Resentment can often lead to bitterness.
I’ve spent too much of my life dealing with bitterness, as explained here, here, and here.
It’s easier for me to nip bitterness in the bud by choosing not to take careless words or actions personally.
Why not be offended if it’s justified?
Who’s to say if it is justified or not?
The remark above had elements of truth in it. It wasn’t said with charity, but I knew her intention was not to insult me.
I could protest my innocence, but it wouldn’t change the woman’s opinion.
So I let it go.
Scripture is the reason why.
The Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”
2 Timothy 2:24 NIV
Nothing would be gained by arguing about it.
A person’s wisdom yields patience;
Proverbs 19:11; NKJV
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
How to deal with an offensive remark
Obviously, the first step is to analyze the legitimacy of the comment.
Was my friend trying to insult me? Did it matter?
I may not be able to control what she said, but I could control my response to her words.
The Apostle Paul has good advice in this type of situation:
Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
Ephesians 4:1-3 NIV
To have protested her remark’s unfairness would have embarrassed her and me.
It would have harmed our friendship and the body of Christ.
I cared more about our future relationship than her remarks.
What if it burns years later?
At my mother’s funeral, a family friend approached me and said, “You know, I was more of a daughter to your mother than you were.”
Nasty retorts zipped through my mind.
But there’s a numbness in your soul during grief and the need to be polite–which my mother would have insisted upon–rose above my offense.
I nodded–as in “Yes, I hear you,” but wore a non-committal smile that could be taken many ways.
That day, and this day, I recall that well-meaning people say stupid and irresponsible things to friends going through grief.
No one really knows what to say, and so they blurt out the first thing that crosses their minds. I knew the family friend loved my mother. My mother worried about her.
I also knew my mother loved me. The “friend” did not threaten my mom’s love for me. So I let it go.
(Someday I may understand how unfair it is that the people most in need of consolation are often the ones providing it during a funeral, but I’m not there yet.
(I just apply my nodding non-committal smile and move onto the next person!)
The verse describing the why is more nuanced, and one I try to live out in my life every day:
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Romans 12:18 NIV
But The Message Bible has a fuller take on the subject:
Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”
Romans 12:17-19 MSG
What if you can’t free yourself from bitterness?
I gained a lot of perspective about myself and bitterness many years ago after a talk by Community Christian Ministries teacher and blogger Jim Wilson.
The most excellent booklet, How to be Free from Bitterness, is available, free, here.
It’s an excellent tool–which I’ve used often myself–to help me remember not to be offended.
Tweetables
How to choose not to be offended. Click to Tweet
Offense, bitterness, resentful? Bible verses to choose not to be. Click to Tweet
Using the Bible to avoid bitterness, resentment, and feeling offended. Click to Tweet
Thoughts? Reactions? Lurker?