“What do you do?” used to be a challenging question for me.
When speaking with strangers, it was difficult for me to gauge what they were really asking.
Did they want to know how I spent my time? Curious about my personal interests or dreams?
Of course not. Here in the United States, they were trying to assess whether I had anything of interest to say.
I always felt like I was being judged on whether I had a job or not.
Is that still true?
Changing Times?
The question came up this week in my small book club.
The other five members are professional women, most of whom, if not all, have worked their entire adult lives.
We’re reading a much-needed book called Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving by Celeste Headlee.
Because I’m taking the title seriously (and trying to meet a few deadlines), I’ve only read the introduction and the first chapter.
But, the beginning of the book struck a chord in the lives of all six of us very busy women (see the previous sentence).
We’re all in agreement on the importance of finding a work-life balance.
While that’s true in my life now, I’ve also been on the receiving end of judgment by busy people who, without knowing me, assumed I had no value because I didn’t have a job.
I know many were just trying to “break the ice,” but if the conversation turned into the Titanic’s encounter with an iceberg, no one had any fun.
The Definition of “Do”
We live in a society that values results and evaluates people on the basis of what they do for a living.
“Society” may say something different, but when someone asks you “what do you do,” what do you think they’re asking?
In a social setting, that question feels like “sorting.” Are you worth talking to? Can you have anything to say that is meaningful to me or that can help?”
Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder because I’ve spent a lot of time in social situations meeting people. More times than I could count, people would turn and walk away from me when I said I was a stay at home mother.
Was that my definition of who I was and what I did?
Of course not. But I knew they wanted to know about my job, or they were asking my professional achievements.
When I didn’t have any they valued–in the answer to one question–people judged me as inadequate and not worth talking to.
Or, at least that’s what it felt like to me.
The Defensive Answer
It got so irritating, that when asked that question at a social gathering (for a variety of reasons we regularly attended parties with high achievers), I started taking a moment to evaluate the person asking.
Did I want to impress them? Puncture their ego? Start a friendly conversation? Antagonize? Laugh?
Irony is my favorite form of humor.
(Oh, and did I mention I trained as a newspaper reporter and can talk to anyone?)
On an airport shuttle one night while I sat behind the bus driver, a friendly man took the next seat.
The chatty young engineer worked for a solar company.
So, I interviewed him about solar power. I knew enough about the subject to keep his and the bus driver’s attention engaged for 45-minutes.
When he finally wound down, the young man asked me, “So, what do you do?”
“I raise children.”
His jaw dropped.
The bus driver burst out laughing. “Is it very lucrative?”
I laughed back. “Depends on the day. I’m looking forward to future benefits.”
My seat companion was a friendly man, but I saw no reason to share my award-winning chocolate chip cookie recipe.
So I had mercy on his intellect and described my writing projects, travel plans, and the books I read. (It may have been the history of the Ottoman empire that month, or possibly Siberia).
He relaxed and we happily chatted–on a variety of subjects– the rest of the trip.
A Better Question
Having spent so many years feeling defensive about “that” question, I’ve adapted it when meeting others.
I don’t ask the provocative, “so, what do you do?”
Instead, I lengthen it to match the situation: “So, what do you do when you’re not attending _________________.”
(Fill in the blank: wedding, 10-year-old birthday party, choir performance, church welcome party, writer’s conference–whatever).
Most of the time people laugh, before answering.
I prefer this question because it enables a person to define themselves. “I’m with the band,” or “this is my favorite niece.” Maybe, “I’m a waitress at a home for the disabled,” or “I drove my father.”
The answers open the conversation and put us on the equal footing of learning about what’s important to us.
So, what DO you do?
I don’t know where Do Nothing is going. (I’ll find out when I get around to reading it!)
But, I have learned that what I do needs to be the result of who I am.
My actions should come out of my life and my interests–not necessarily what society judges to be valuable.
As for others, I just need to observe and ask questions that enable them to reveal who they are.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:21
And then I’ll know who they really are.
So, what do you do when you’re not reading my blog?
Tweetables
How to ask “What do you do?” with genuine interest. Click to Tweet
What does the question “What do you do?” say about you? Click to Tweet
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