Here are some thoughts about what not to say after a fire to people who lost their homes.
Yes, they need encouragement.
Yes, they may need comfort.
But no, you don’t have to say anything.
Most of the time a hug–or a gift card–will do.
Feel free to say, “I love you.”
That often will cheer up people.
What not to say to homeowners
We want to comfort and encourage, but people who are in shock after such a significant loss don’t need much.
They may still be in shock if they’ve fled their homes in the middle of the night.
They probably have no idea what they’re going to do next.
If your house burns down, you’re in a crisis–on multiple fronts.
Avoid giving advice unless someone who survives a fire specifically asks, “What do you think I should do?”
“Unless it’s really solicited, opinions and advice are not helpful in this situation,” one woman explained. “That’s not the type of support we need.”
“People always had ideas they want to share with us,” her husband said. “I’d listen but think, ‘How do you know this will work? Have you been through this situation before?'”
If you have information–something you know is true–consider passing it along to whomever your friend trusts.
In one case, I sent the pertinent information to the homeowner’s father. He decided whether the family needed the insight.
On the day FEMA cleared the property, his son was there. My advice was heeded–without me ever saying a word to the homeowner.
Another friend knew he couldn’t make sensible decisions because everything felt overwhelming. He had a list of trusted advisors who helped him make decisions.
The elders at our church made themselves available for consultations–and even sifting.
What not to say with the kids listening
Another friend discussed the fire events with her relative. The relative teared up as she related events, and my friend grieved with her.
But then the friend noticed her relative’s daughter.
The little girl’s eyes widened, and my friend saw fear. Every time the mom described something that happened, the child heard her fear and grew anxious.
“Let’s change the topic,” my friend wisely said. She’d talk to the child’s mother later.
This story reminded me of September 12, 2001. After the 9/11 crisis, child psychologists asked news stations to stop running videos of the World Trade Towers falling.
They had discovered that children watching television thought it was a new scene each time.
Psychologists observed tension and fear in the children who didn’t understand reruns were not more airplanes flying into skyscrapers.
What to say?
In a crisis, people need hope, not necessarily helpful advice. (Especially from people who had not lost their homes in a fire).
“It’s always much longer and much more painful than you ever think it will be,” one fire survivor said.
My friend laughed as she described something I said to her years ago.
“I’d remember in some situation in the past that was hard to figure out, you’d say, “Okay, God. Let’s just see what you’re going to do with this.”
She smiled. “I thought of it so often and then said it myself.”
(I refer to it as “pulling a Biddy.“)
Be careful with gifts
If you’ve lost your home, you have no place to store anything.
“The best gifts were gift cards,” one man said. “We spent them on what we needed when we needed things. “We knew people meant well. But it was hard trying to figure out where to store anything.”
What to say?
“Here, spend this when and where you need it.”
Of course, one of the best gifts is a dinner invitation, where you listen silently while they speak.
If you have space, offer a room or storage.
Some friends stayed in a guest room for nine months until they knew they should rent an apartment.
I lent a Lazy-Boy chair to several couples when they rented a place to live while rebuilding.
Avoid criticizing inconsequential decisions
Does it really matter what your now-homeless friends buy?
They’re walking in grief and shock.
Just because something isn’t important to you doesn’t mean it doesn’t help your friend.
If they use funds to buy a big TV for their temporary home, so what?
Just because you think it’s frivolous doesn’t mean it won’t comfort them.
If you see too much shopping–speak to someone whom they trust, about your concern. They probably have insight you lack.
What’s really important, rather than what not to say?
When you go through a crisis–of whatever kind–you need hope.
Speak words of encouragement to friends:
I’m here if you need me, but I’ll leave it up to you.
- We’re here for the long run. We’ll help.
- You can do this.
- You’re wise. You best know what you need.
- I can see you love your kids.
- I’ll be praying for you.
Here in Sonoma County, we’ve gone through too many fires.
The experience has made us less proud, more comforting, and more compassionate. Also grateful.
We know how people are struggling–we know.
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Beware fearful children overhearing a fire discussion. Click to Tweet
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